Gratefulness

I'm doing ok. I have an AWESOME kid, a great place to live, a decent job and many, many friends. I have my sobriety, although I almost lost it, I have it. I have the tools I need to make sure that I don't make the same mistakes again. I have my life. I have my freedom. I have the ability to create ANY life that I want – for me and my daughter. I get to wipe the slate clean. I get free do-overs. I get to choose the things I want out of life instead of settle for what I have. Losing one of my dearest friends showed me that life is short and I need to get every single moment out of it. I will not waste my moments being miserable. I will cherish any sadness or pain that I feel and relish in the fact that I am truly alive to feel it. I will cherish these "growth opportunities" as they come my way. I am human. I am not perfect. Who would want to be perfect? I get to wake up every day and decide who I am going to be. I get to go to sleep every night in the same house as my daughter, after I get to tuck her into bed – EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I get to lay on the couch with her and watch Nick at Night, EVERY night. I get to have conversations with her every day. I get to play games with her every day. She is the BEST part of my life. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for. I have only myself and my daughter to answer to, to be responsible for, to care for and to work my ass off for – which I do willingly – so that we can have a great life. I have had a lot stolen from me – my time, my energy, my love, my adoration, my loyalty, my willingness to change those parts of me that cause harm and any sense of self worth that four months of sobriety gets you – but oh, I have SO MUCH left and I have learned many valuable lessons. I am grateful that I get to feel brand new again, I get to use the spiritual kit of tools that have been laid at my feet and I get the opportunity to get to know myself again – and I didn't have to drink to get here. What a blessing. I have experienced some of the wonderful things that the program has to offer and oh, thank God, I get to experience it more and more, for myself this time.

What a gift!

Why is it that our lives have to be shattered before we surrender? Why do we as humans/alcoholics, insist on trying it our way and anyone else's way, before we give it to God? I am grateful for who I am today, even with my life in pieces around me. I am definitely not the same person I was three years and seven months ago. I am grateful to the people that have called me out on my bullshit and pointed out the character defects that I have so that I could give those to God and change the very person that I am. I am human, I am a woman, I am strong, I am dependable today, I honor my commitments today and I wake up every day and do the best I can with what I've got. Not so bad for a drunk, huh? I make mistakes, I am not perfect and I am okay with that. I find myself being grateful again for the kit of spiritual tools that I have lying at my feet, just waiting there for me to pick them up. The book says – "Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime." I am excited to read that I am not expected to become a perfect "little sunbeam for God" immediately, that I will make mistakes, I will cause more harm, I will let people down, I will not be perfect. But it's ok. I am instructed to pick up the kit of tools again and right the wrongs as soon as possible. At least I have instructions. I am grateful for that. Plus I have women in this program that help guide me when I have lost my way. What an amazing gift!

So much gratitude!

Wow! It is so amazing to me how this program works! Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly? Well, I have had some quickly in the last few days! I am SO grateful for my life! I am SO grateful for this program – it saved my life and continues to improve it the more I work it, every single day! GOD brought me to this program and this program brought me to God! It's such a wonderful experience, this thing we call life, I have had several new experiences just in the last few days, experiences I probably wouldn't have remembered had I been drinking. I am grateful I get the opportunity to remember every single moment, again and again! No matter what happens tomorrow or the next day or the next day, I get to keep my experiences and for THAT I am SO grateful! I might even get to experience MORE! IF I keep doing what I am supposed to be doing! Thank you God!

My relationship with God...

My Relationship with God
For me, God is everywhere, in everything. When I look at the rain falling on my back porch, I see God. I see God in every man, woman and child, in every animal and plant, I see God everywhere, especially myself. I was taught very simple things, I was taught to take some very simple steps. I had to admit that by myself, I am nothing. I had to believe that there WAS something bigger than me even if I didn't know what or who it was. I had to make a decision that living for me was not working and that I would take a chance that living for something else might work. I had to take a look at my actions and determine what was driving me to do the things that I do. I had to share it with someone else so that I could see the truth about myself. I had to make a list of the character traits that drive me and be willing to let this being that is bigger than me decide if they were keeping me from doing HIS/HER will for me, which is that which is GOOD for me. I had to be willing to do anything to live my life for something or someone else. I had to acknowledge the harms that I had done and be willing to do whatever it takes to right those wrongs. I had to meet with those that I had caused pain in their lives and be willing to do whatever they say to right those wrongs and fix that pain. Even if they say I can never right the wrongs, I have to be willing to live with that knowledge and remember it so that I don't do it to others. I have to continue to take a look at my actions EVERY day and make sure that I am living the life that God would have me to live and not the live that I think I should live. I spend time with this Creator of mine, I spend quiet time talking to this God and listening through any means they might choose to speak to me. I share this experience with others who are in pain and I do service work where I can. I try to practice these things every day, in ALL areas of my life. Simple things that I do to stay close to this light in my life whom I choose to call GOD. My life is not about me anymore, it's about being of service to others and in that I become the person that I was always supposed to be. I am happy, joyous and free from the chains that always bound me, fear and self-centeredness. I do the next right thing. I seek advice and wisdom from others when I don't know what to do. I trust that God will provide the things that I need. I don't spend time in morbid reflection. I LOVE this life! I LOVE this God! I am so full of LOVE, it MUST be pouring out of me! Why would I EVER do ANYTHING different?